Financial condition of GospelFriendships. I’m currently in deficit by $9k and I’m guessing by year end it will be from $10-15k. 🙂
I need a ministry fix.
My ministry addiction is clearer to me than ever. Why? Because folks have been praying. Why is my addiction always eager for a fresh, quick fix? Why can’t I seem to get enough? Always need more? Because I’m convinced there has been a deep hole in my soul, making my flesh inordinately hungry-needy to prove myself worthy, to myself, to others.
A ministry fix provides me with some r-e-l-i-e-f from what I strongly suspect is suppressed pain of feeling like a loser, since childhood. I’m shocked. But what else would explain my workaholism, intensity, my obsessiveness about ministry, my what-I-suspect-is-suppressed terror of experiencing failure in ministry, or of being considered lazy, unproductive, inefficient, worthless, by others or by myself? Drivenness. Not a human being, but a human doing. Always hurried.
What I unconsciously think I need is another ministry fix. Ahhh. Feels so good to prooove myself worthy. Problem is, the fix doesn’t last long. And so the addiction doesn’t lead me to happiness, but to more addiction, living inside a prison of addiction, except for the momentary relief I get with a fresh fix. Terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad way to be trapped. Addict. Stressful, exhausting, joyless, peaceless, unless things go my way, momentarily, and even then the success just reinforces my addiction, insanity, independence.
Jesus came to reverse the effects of The Curse in the lives of believers, especially those of us who carry unrecognized holes in our souls from childhood. And Jesus has been bringing healing to the wound on my soul, and the peace I am experiencing is indescribably delicious. It is so much easier to fix my eyes and thoughts on Jesus as my idols are more exposed, are slowly disempowered, slowly wilting. I now see that no amount of ministry success could ever fill the deep hole in my soul. I’ve been trying since 1984 when I went through Sonship, to become whole/healthy, by soaking in the Gospel of Jesus and His unconditional love for me, and I have desperately needed the growing grace foundation in my life, to even be able to look inside in 2012 and see the hole, and now Jesus is leading me through a healing process for this wound, this gaping hole in my soul, to amazing Jesus-dependency.
— DumbSheepDave, indescribably thankful for those who’ve prayed
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