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  • Writer's pictureweakdave

If I could change one thing about myself,

I wouldn’t be so confident-I-know-what’s-best.  This confidence of ShepherdDave is at the root of all my idols/addictions, all the unhappiness I unconsciously suppress, causing me to desperately wanna believe I’m normal, emotionally healthy, a wonderful Christian who is qualified for leadership, above reproach.  Evidently I’ve had suppressed feelings of worthlessness all my adult life, as evidenced by my striving for excellence, perfection, in all I do.  Well, in much of what I do.  Jesus has grown me so-much-more self-aware over the past five years, that I can now see I’ve always wanted to be superior to every human on the planet, in some way, shape, or form.  JudgeDave, always searching for weakness in others.  I could not possibly be so competitive without being confident-I-know-what’s-best.  Only the confident-we-know-what’s-best have a pride problem.

Now on the other hand, if DumbSheepDave could change one thing about himself, he would change nothing.  Because his life is not his own — he’s been bought with a price.  He has a part, a role, in the Grand Story of the Great Scriptwriter.  A role of humiliation, weakness, embarrassing lowliness.  DumbSheepDave is just fine with the role of being a pathetically insecure, immature, neurotic, deluded, proving addict.  Ahhh.

—ShepherdDave, who only sees the problem when he’s been freshly convicted of being unsatisfied with Jesus and His imputed worthiness, so he might momentarily be DumbSheepDave, enjoying the patience and bliss of Jesus-dependency/Jesus-contentment/Jesus-humility, so he enjoys everyone and everything just as it is, including ShepherdDave, so the nonbelievers around him might experience the other-worldly humility and other-worldly love of Jesus

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