I wanna feel vastly superior to others.

But I know it’s wrong, so I evidently suppress this, live in denial of how competitive I am, and convince myself that I’m more humble than I am.  I’m great at spotting pride in others, but not so good spotting it in me.  Janet says, “You spot it, you got it.”  So I must be way-more prideful than I realize.  I love thinking of myself as a humble man in a proud world, outside the Church, and inside the Church.  Whyzat?  Cuz I feel superior to those who are pride-filled but blind to it.  I love feeling superior.  Whyzat?  I can only conclude that deep down, I must feel painfully inferior, painfully worthless.  But I don’t consider myself inferior or worthless.   So I must unconsciously suppress these feelings, and carry on, noticing the pride in others, while blind to my own pride.

Wonder what the pre-believers around me would think, if they saw a genuinely-humble Dave, an uncompetitive Dave, an undefensive Dave, a Dave not so self-absorbed, a peaceful Dave?  Maybe they would be wowed by a Jesus who could change a proud, self-absorbed believer, into a humble believer.  Maybe they would have a renewed interest in Jesus.

–NarcissistDave, unable to change himself, needing fresh conviction of the sin of independence/pride

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