I’ve been living a double life

since age 24, when Jesus drew me to Himself.  But I never saw my double life til now.  I’ve lived in two different worlds: Jesus’ world, and Dave’s world.  When I live in Jesus’ world, I’m in awe of Him and His worthiness as seen in creation, and His genius plan for everyone and everything.  And.  In Jesus’ world I’m a spectator, not an active-participant.  Spectators are curious and expectant to see what happens NEXT, in us, others, circumstances, but we don’t have a dog in the hunt.  We dunno what’s best for anyone, especially ourselves.  We have no worthiness of our own, and are unbothered by that, unbothered by the pity of others for being such lowlies.

Now when I live in Dave’s world, I’m an active-participant, so the pressure to perform is intense, I’m focused on my agenda, reaching my goal, gaining and maintaining somebodiness.  I feel this pressure ALL the time, compare myself to others ALL the time, trying to prove myself worthy ALL the time, eaten up with pride ALL the time.  Except.  When He opens my eyes to see the problem, freshly convicts me of the sin of INdependence, wooing me back into His world, where I’m all-of-a-sudden a spectator again — amazingly peaceful, amazingly patient, amazingly compassionate, not hurried, worried, agendafied.

In Dave’s world, as an active-participant, I’m critical-judgmental, competitive, searching for weaknesses in others so I can feel superior to them.  Superior in some, way, shape or form to EVERYONE EVERYWHERE.  My life is all about ME and my worthiness.  Clearly my flesh loves DAVE’S world of somebodiness-quest, and hates the lowly, nobody, spectator status of me being in Jesus’ world, where my life is not about me, but about Jesus and His worthiness in Creation.

I think I’ll always remember 5-25-2018, when Jesus opened my eyes to see these two worlds, and how-much happier I am in Jesus’ world, and how miserable and circumstance-dependent for my joy and peace in Dave’s world.  So here’s how this discovery has been so helpful to me: As I’m driving along, and notice my being critical of someone, I realize I’m back in Dave’s world, and thank Him for opening my eyes and wooing me back to His world, where I’m focused on Him and His worthiness in Creation.  And I’ll go along for a while, looking at the trees and hills, and cars and people, enjoying it all, and then I’ll notice, say, my wanting to go rapidly around a corner, or accelerate rapidly.  Woah!  Thank You, Jesus, for opening my eyes to see I’m back in Dave’s world, proving myself worthy.

— Dave McCarty, GospelFriendships

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