• weakdave

I think I’ve suppressed how much I love

seeing others fail, stumble, struggle.  I must love feeling superior to others, and when they fail, I must feel better about myself.  What an awful thing to discover about one’s self.  No wonder I’ve been suppressing it all my life.  I must have a deep, open, festering wound on my soul, that makes me need to prove myself in such a sick way.  Humorous that I’ve imagined myself this noble, gracious follower of Jesus, when the truth is, I never rejoice in the success of others, but in their failure.  Unless somehow I get credit for their success (my kids/grandkids/great-grandkids, mentees, my sports teams, my politicians, my favorites).  My rejoicing over the failure of others, not rejoicing over their success, has been a secret with me, not something anyone else would ever know, and I haven’t even realized it myself so clearly.

But.

I’m so thankful that Jesus didn’t come for the healthy, but for sicko’s like Dave McCarty.  I’m thankful that I QUALIFY for grace, as a supremely-grace-needy man.  That I’m clothed in the worthiness/righteousness of Jesus, and therefore cherished, just as I am, by the CreatorSustainer of the Universe.  Grace is only amazing today, when I have a sense of having been forgiven much today.  And even more amazing, is that Jesus has been giving me grace to give MYSELF grace, compassion, acceptance, as I get new large glimpses of how much worse I am than I could ever imagine.

At first it seemed wrong to extend amazing grace to myself.  What about sin?  When I CONFESS my sin of self-absorption, but I still feel bummed about my sin, I’m not extending amazing grace to myself as Jesus does.  Pride, not humility.

Jesus is even-better news than Dave has ever known.

–DumbSheepDave, enabled by ShepherdJesus to enjoy his sick self, just as he is, and momentarily be at peace about any timetable for ShepherdJesus to bring the kind of healing to his soul that might enable him to rejoice in the success of others, and have compassion on their failure, especially jerks and enemies

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