I stopped preaching the Gospel to myself,
because I’ve done it for so many years, that I no longer struggle to believe Jesus loves me, just as I am. It was so helpful in building a wide, deep, foundation of grace in my life, to keep me from being so introspection-avoidant – fearful of looking inside to see my motives for all I do all day long. And in recent years Jesus’ Spirit has been opening my eyes to see a monstrous critical-judgmental spirit, competitiveness, addiction to superiority, that I could never have imagined. Humiliating to have been THAT blind. PhariseeDave. ShepherdDave.
So yesterday, instead of preaching the Gospel to myself, I preached reality to myself. Huh? Example. Whenever I caught myself noticing the flaws of others – analyzing them, being critical of them, so as to feel more worthy than they, or, whenever I caught myself doing something that made me feel good about myself, I invented a little song yesterday that I sang to myself, while alone in my car, to the tune of “Oh how I love Jesus.” It goes like this:
Oh, how I love worthy, Oh, how I love worthy, Oh, how I love worthy, It feels so good to me.
Then as I was convicted of how much I love having my own worthiness, and how unsatisfied I am with Jesus and His imputed worthiness, I started singing next, to the same tune:
Oh, how I love clueless, Oh, how I love clueless, Oh, how I love clueless, It feel so better to me.
I have two main addictions: 1) feeling worthiness of my own, and 2) feeling clueless/childlike/Jesus-dependent. I have a bottomless pit of need for worthiness, so when I feel a little bit worthy, I want some MORE. And then MORE. Like any addict. Likewise, when I feel clueless/childlike/Jesus-dependent it feels so much better than my own worthiness, that I want some MORE. I can’t get enough cluelessness/childlikeness/Jesus-dependency. Both are addictions, but one leads to misery and the other leads to happiness. One is “mo bettah,” as they say in L.A. That’s Lower Alabama, according to Johnny Long.
–PatheticallyInsecureImmatureNeuroticDeludedProverDave, A.K.A. ShepherdDave, needing fresh conviction of the sin of confidence/independence/pride, so he can momentarily be DumbSheepDave, enjoying the bliss of cluelessness/Jesus-dependency/humility, so the pre-believers around him might experience Jesus
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