• weakdave

I have a new identity.

Since Saturday.  WorthlessDave.  I really am worthless.  That’s right.  Worthless.  I’ve been unconsciously trying all my life to be successful, worthy, failure-avoidant, in order to PROVE my worthiness.  In ministry, and in all of life.  But all the things that have made me feel worthy, are only according to HUMAN standards.  All my worthiness is filthy rags in reality, because there is NOTHing I’ve ever done simply and only because of Jesus.  There has been a dark side, sinful side, to my most-seemingly-selfless, loving deeds, my striving for any obedience.  What’s my unconscious motivation for obedience to God’s commands?  I wanna feel good about myself.  Why do I wannabe a better Christian, better hubby, better dad, granddad?  I wanna feel good about myself.  I’ve been aware for some years that the imputed worthiness of Jesus has been unsatisfying to me, that I’ve wanted more, some of my own, but I’ve not understood why.  Until Saturday.

So today, Tuesday, with my new identity of being WorthlessDave, instead of trying to avoid feelings of worthlessness, I’m trying to SEE my worthlessness that I typically ignore, minimize, so I can actually EMBRACE my worthlessness.  I am worthless at trying to control my life in such a way as to ensure my happiness.  I am worthless at knowing what’s best for me.  Or others.  I am worthless at analyzing the news trying to figgerout the future.  I am worthless at following Jesus.  My suppressed feeling of worthlessness is the cause of the pressure I feel to perform/prove.  But.  Big but.  As I EMBRACE my worthlessness, the pressure to prove, evaporates, and I’m left with an indescribable, other-worldly peace that is simply amazing.  When I embrace my worthlessness, there is no need to be defensive when accused, no need to be RIGHT, no need to fix others, no need to compete, no need to stress over potential failure, or be discouraged by actual failure.  Gone.  Nada.  I can enjoy others, and myself, just as we are.  Ahhh.  At least for right now.  Dunno what the next days will bring, but it’s been working since Saturday.  Because I know this for sure: a dead man feels no pressure.  A man who is dead to his own worthiness, is a free man, a fun man.  Dead to himself, but alive to Jesus.  Jesus is never everything, never satisfying, to a believer, until a believer is dead to himself, to his idols/addictions/worthiness.

Wait, Dave, what about identity in Christ?  In my experience it’s impossible to have one’s identity in Christ, UNTIL one is dead to his own worthiness.  For years I claimed identity in Christ, wanted identity in Christ, but I was never dead to my own worthiness, I now realize.

So are you saying you’re perfectly dead?  No, but when I notice my flesh rising up, it’s so, so helpful to remind myself that I’m WorthlessDave.  Ahhh.

—WorthlessDave, freshly dead to his own worthiness, having way-more fun, enjoying competitors, enemies, just as they are, with nothing at all to prove to himself or others

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