and I’m a worthIERness addict. I used to think I was a worthiness addict, but now I see I’m WORSE — I’ve suppressed how I’m always comparing myself to others. I am hopelessly addicted to my own worthIERness, and I have no idea how to NOT be an addict, so I’m here tonight among fellow addicts, because I need support, I need to hear that other worthIERness addicts are ALSO hopelessly addicted, and find it impossible to go through their day, without the need to feel superior, worthIER than those around them. I don’t expect this side of Glory, to ever be cured of my addiction. “I yam whats I yam,” as Popeye said. Is it possible for me to accept, embrace, enjoy, love, myself, just as I yam? That’s why I’m here tonight. Something tells me that I will be happier as a human, if I’m able to accept, embrace, enjoy, love myself, just as I yam, not trying to be something/someone I’m not, not trying to fool myself into believing I’m different, better, than I really yam. Not trying to fool myself into thinking that I’m gonnaget HEALED of my addiction. Best I can tell, I will be addicted to being worthIER for the rest of my life. But maybe I’ll be surprised. Dunno.
Where I AM experiencing healing, is from the pain of my suppressed self-contempt. I need to be here with you fellow worthIERness addicts, to keep me from trying to be better, be different, keep trying to DIE to my own worthIERness. I have slowly been able to have compassion on myself for being a worthIERness addict, because I’m convinced that anyone who walked in my shoes as a child, would be just as addicted to being worthIER as I am. But I forget. I live in a world of humans that deny their worthIERness addiction, so they are not safe people for me. I need to be around fellow addicts who KNOW they are addicts. Because otherwise, I unconsciously suppress how pathetically dysfunctional I am as human, always searching for ways to feel superior, worthIER, than every individual who comes across my field of vision, live, or on TV, or online. Self-awareness without self-acceptance is the worst combo of all. I’m surrendered to living here in worthIERness-proving prison until the day I die, physically. Dying to the possibility of ever getting out of this prison, has been so, so helpful and liberating for me. I hope to spend the rest of my life, encouraging other believers in this prison, to begin to have the same kind of unconditional love and compassion for ourselves, that Jesus has for us. To experience contentment here in prison, rather than always longing to be out of prison, normal, healthy. To experience the bliss of Jesus and His imputed worthiness, being ENOUGH.
It’s been amazing to me, how much my wanting OUT of prison, has been harmful to my happiness in recent days, weeks, months, years. Being surrendered to STAYing in prison, if that’s the best thing for His genius plan, His Grand Story, brings me amazing peace. And when I find myself competitive, like in my car at times, I’ve sung a little made-up song reminding myself that I’m still in worthIERness prison, so it’s understandable that I’d wannabe competitive, proving. Very helpful to my being CONTENTED. Maybe I’ll grow out of it. Dunno. Not MY problem, or MY job to fix. Helps me be curious/expectant to see what Jesus does NEXT in me, others, circumstances, INSTEAD of me unconsciously putting pressure on myself to be different.
–WorthIERnessAddictDave, baby steppin along the pathway to self-awareness and self-acceptance, because of the ongoing work of Jesus’ Spirit
To receive my weekly posts, email me, or subscribe to my blog: dumbsheepdave.com