All my life I’ve been living in denial,
of how worthless I’ve felt, of how much I’ve hated myself. Wow. I would never have guessed or believed it. But now I am learning that suppressed feelings of shame/worthlessness from childhood, lead adults to the kind of drivenness, intensity, competitiveness, trying to prove myself worthy, to myself and others, that has characterized my life. I mean, I’ve had glimpses of this, but never saw its root as self-hate. Wow.
Performance-based conditional self-love/self-acceptance, is the opposite of the unconditional love/acceptance of Jesus for me. Performance-based conditional love, is what Satan offers, and what the world offers, and what the flesh offers, and this is not “love” but conditional-hatred, the opposite of the unconditional love/acceptance Jesus gives me, and I’m beginning to give myself. Amazing difference it’s making in my daily life, even though my default mode is still failure-avoidance. It’s always seemed so natural for me to be in a hurry, efficient, intense, that I’ve seldom given it much thought. And now I find myself more self-aware when I’m hurrying, or intense, realizing that this intensity is rooted in self-hate, not self-love. I have nothing to prove to myself or others, because I have the performance of Jesus imputed to me. I’m more and more loving me just as I am, just as Jesus loves me. Amazing. My body is beginning to relax inside. Ahhhh. Peace that surpasses understanding: surpasses leaning on one’s own understanding, trying to feel good about self, based on performance as ShepherdDave. I think there’s been a fear-based unease about my life, a hyper-vigilance, a hyper-conscientiousness, to avoid failure of any kind, at all costs. Day and night. Ahhhh. The idol/addiction of failure-avoidance has lessening grip on my life. ShepherdDave is dying and DumbSheepDave is coming to life. I’m on a pathway of healing for the open festering wound on my soul. I’m smiling at myself more, enjoying myself more. And this enables me to smile at others more, and enjoy them more, rather than being critical of them, especially the inconsiderate and the uncool. Judge not that you not be judged. By yourself.
–DumbSheepDave, not knowing how to adequately thank folks for praying (please keep praying and please pray now)
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